


Vicissitude

by Unformal_Sorrelle



Category: Supernatural
Genre: AU, Brotherhood, Drama, Family, Gen, Light Angst, older!sam, younger!dean
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-25
Updated: 2015-10-25
Packaged: 2018-04-28 03:22:18
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 5,938
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5075893
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Unformal_Sorrelle/pseuds/Unformal_Sorrelle
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>AU where Sam and Dean switch places. Sam is the oldest who can't stop arguing with his father, while his little brother Dean tries to keep the peace. Dean never knows who's order to follow, who's right, or how to be better. Sam tries to make their father give up this stupid life of vengeance and hunting, because Dean's gonna get hurt and they both deserve to be normal.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Ruined

Sam was smart. Dean grew up knowing that he could never be as intelligent as his big brother- which irked him because Sam cared a lot about school and being normal. Dean had tried with school, he really had, but it bored him like nothing else. He couldn't handle sitting at the same desk for hours just like he couldn't get along with the other kids. He sometimes found some girls he could hang around but rarely ever, on his lifelong travels across the country, could he make nice with other boys. Dean had a smart mouth that usually got him beat up, which meant dragging Sam into things.  
Sam who was good at school, and being normal.

Sam would always stand up for him but Dean didn't miss the way that he shook his head and then yelled at Dad afterwards.

Dad was strong. And loud. And Dean loved him.

He never knew if he should.

Sam was always fighting with Dad, refusing orders and arguing. His older brother always pointed out that their father was never dependable, that he was wrecking their chances of ever having a normal life, and obsessed with revenge.

Dean had never heard Sam say their father was a hero, and it'd been years since something vaguely resembling a compliment had passed through his lips. His brother got all huffy if Dean pointed out that Dad did save people's lives, always responding with how he put their lives in danger. Sam always tried to keep him away from Dad, sending him to another room or by starting another argument.  
Usually an argument based on Dean himself.

Dean never knew whose example to follow. He always followed Dad's orders to the letter, much to Sam's disappointment, but didn't argue with Sam's commands either.  
When the two's directions conflicted with each other he had to make a choice. Usually he chose Dad's- trying to make him slightly proud of him by demonstrating he could do what was asked of him. At least he knew Sam loved him, or rather loved to argue about him. Sometimes he chose Sam, out of loyalty. Other times he was so tired of their fighting he chose neither. That was the rarer choice but at least that way they would be equally mad at him instead of each other.

After all, Dean did deserve it.

He was the reason that his mother was dead, that Sam couldn't be normal and Dad was obsessed with revenge.

For ruining his family's lives Dean supposed that he deserved everything he got.  
But it was still hard.

…

"Sammy, take Dean and get out of the house! Now!"

…

Little Dean sat at the table, clicking his heels together, unable to stay still.

"Do I haf ta eat the spettios Sammy? I won' Lucky Charms!"

"Dean," Sam gave his younger brother a look, "You just asked for Spagettios. I already made them! It's too late."

"But tha' was before I 'membered we haf Lucky Charms!" Dean nodded his head sagely as if this was an important part to a peace talk to two warring countries, "But then... I 'membered!"

He gave his big brother the smile that would eventually save his life in a particularly bad situation. Dean was an adorable kid.

However, as an older brother, Sam was used to it and his own hunger gave him immunity against his charms.

"Dean? Eat the Spagettios." Sam ordered. He got out the box of Lucky Charms and poured them all into a bowl. Dean watched hopefully, waiting for the cereal to be placed in front of him. Unfortunately, the little kid's hopes were dashed when Sam started eating it.

"Sa-am!" Dean's lower lip wibbled pathetically.

"Eat your Spagettios." Sam ordered, not one to give into the teary green eyes- especially since Dean almost always did what he was told. Like he thought, the kid started mournfully scooping the canned pasta up with an unsteady spoon. The Spagettios were more healthy for Dean anyway, Sam quelled his conscience.

…

Sam had to get away. Just- leave. His father was driving him crazy and Dean, well... Dean never understood. No matter how hard he tried, Dean never understood that it was wrong for John to treat them like he did- leave them alone for weeks with the barest minimum to get by. And now, now he was starting to drag the littlest soldier into his hunts.

Sam was used to training, he had even grown accustomed to tagging along during hunts, but he was not used to John bringing Dean as bait or 'backup'. Dean was just a kid! Too young, or too soft to even realize that having their father put his life in danger was wrong.

Dean never understood. Sam knew he tried- he listened to Sam and tried to obey him, but that was the problem! Dean always obeyed! Sam knew some of it was his fault, Sam never had the patience to let Dean do anything else, and John was the same way. They'd both convinced him that he had to do whatever they said to make them happy. Only recently, Sam had noticed that it went too far, that Dean never questioned an order. Someday, that was going to get the kid killed- and it would be John's fault.

Even when he told Dean to fight back against John, all the Winchesters could tell that his heart wasn't in it. John could silence him with a look if Dean didn't do it himself from reluctance.

Sam may have adored his little brother but wanted a fellow rebel to talk with, not a brainwashed kid who thought that having to get stitches all the way up his back wasn't Dad's fault when he left him completely defenseless on a hunt.

Dean's injuries were only going to get worse.

Sam couldn't handle that.

Not when they both should have been allowed to have normal lives. Mom would be horrified about how they'd had to grow up. Sam still remembered, only days before the tragedy, his parents had fought even then about how to raise their boys. Dads transgressions then were nothing compared with the freakshow he'd turned their lives into.

A few days later the young teenager had his own trailer with a dog.

His little brother left alone, too broken to cry.

…

Dean worked on his homework quietly, glad that it was almost summer. He knew that Sam didn't like if it was left unfinished.

His new teachers were always surprised when the loud mouthed troublemaker always turned in his work on time. Sometimes they even accused him of copying, unable to believe that a brat like him could put effort into anything. Sometimes Dean didn't bother to correct them, just gave them a smirk that told them they could never prove it.

Sam was never happy when he mouthed off in school. His older brother never seemed to understand that Dean tried to behave, but he just wasn't good with people. He wasn't intelligent and friendly like Sam, or even intimidating like Dad. Dean was never sure how to interact with civilians- people who he could never tell the truth to, innocents to protect, people with different interests, and choices.  
So he tried to be friendly, like Sam. He tried to be fearless, like his father. He tried not to be condescending to all of the civilians wrapped up in their comforting truths, tried to understand the type of people that Sam thought they should be.

What came out was his frustrations- biting comments and cynicism that he couldn't stand to keep to himself anymore. Charming smiles that got him attention, as well as smirks that got him trouble. A fake apathy for the normal populace's feelings towards him. If these civilians, who he'd only have to know for a few weeks, didn't have the strength for the truth then he wasn't going to show any fake respect by putting on some kind of normal mask.

If he got in a few fights- whatever. Sam was in High-school now anyways, he didn't have a chance to fight his battles for him anyways. Sam was never happy if he found out about his brawls, but Dean hid them well and learned how to win without getting caught. It wasn't as if Dean tried to make enemies, he just didn't try not to.

Plus, even if he did get beat up, it wasn't like he hadn't had worse.

He could suffer Sam's disappointment and their father's anger because it was better than acting for seven hours, five days a week, like he could actually stand bullies. If a kid was gonna yell at him- fine, then he'd get what was coming towards him. If a group of chumps decided to pick on the short kid- again, they deserved it.

But two weeks! Two weeks until glorious summer came once more and he didn't have to worry about getting along with people or studying to make Sam happy. In fact, Sam himself graduated in a week. Everything was looking pretty good.

So when Sam and Dad started getting into it, Dean was confused. As far as he knew, he hadn't done anything that would make them get that loud. Even Dad acknowledged that getting a good grade on his finals was desirable. Unable to concentrate, he abandoned his review flip chart on early American history and crept to the open doorway.

"Stanford, Dad! I got a freakin' fullride to Stanford, don't you know what that means?!" Sam was waving a letter around.

Dean knew what Stanford meant. College. He gasped, he had never even considered that Sam would leave. Dad would never let him go. He couldn't.

"You're so selfish Sam! How can you even think about that when the thing that killed your mother is still around? And how could you leave your brother?!"

Very easily, Dean remembered. He wasn't anyone worth sticking around for, experience had taught him that.

"And how can you drag your children on your hopeless quest of revenge?! You've ruined Dean's life John! For a woman he can't even remember. Mom would have been ashamed of you!"

"Don't talk that way about Mary!"

Dean watched as they both spewed poison at each other, words so hateful Dean started to tear up. He found himself unable to speak, he felt trapped as observer- powerless and weak.  
The time Sam had run away Dean hadn't been able to speak until he came back. It was a horrible feeling. He couldn't think of the right words to say, and didn't have the confidence to say the assuredly wrong ones. Even a direct order from Dad couldn't get something as simple as a 'sir'.

"IF YOU WALK OUT THAT DOOR, DON'T YOU EVER COME BACK!" John bellowed,

Sam screwed up his face, tightened his lips together, his eyes as big and vulnerable as ever, and turned to face the door.

With an increased wave of helplessness, and an inability to trust his voice, Dean depended on the one thing he could trust- his body. Just as Sam's palm clasped the brass doorknob, he was enveloped in a tight tackle-like hug from Dean. It was childlike and useless but Dean didn't care. He didn't want his big brother to just walk out on him.

Dean had tried to be good! If Sam would stay he'd put more effort learning to get along with the people at school! He'd respect his teachers! He wouldn't fight! He'd get normal friends! Couldn't Sam see!

But Sam, Sam already with a tear rolling down his cheek, shook his head no.

"I'm sorry, Deano. If you ever need help- call me. Don't get yourself killed. Don't let John sacrifice you for a stupid monster. I love you, but I need to go." With that Sam left, not slamming the door but not closing it gently either.

"SAM! SAMMY! SAM COME BACK!" Dean wailed, but it was too late.

Apparently he wasn't good enough. Apparently, he was "ruined".

…

Sam called Dean twice from college- both birthdays.

…

Dean became silent around home and bitter around everyone else. Sir was barely ever around, Dean only saw his father when they hunted together. During school, Dean didn't even try on his best subjects.

Some of the family friends tried to help. Bobby fed Dean's interest in cars, one of the only things able to draw the kid out of his shell until he hit drinking age. Pastor Jim offered stability if Dean ever wanted it, but Dean would never take him up on it.  
He obsessively threw himself into hunting, scared that if he messed up, his father would also walk out on him.

It didn't matter anyway. When Dean dropped out of school to be a better hunter (and to never be offered a full ride anywhere), John started assigning him solo hunts.

At least he had the Impala.

Maybe if he caught the monster who had killed his mother, his father would forgive him for being so...

Ruined.

…

It was Halloween and Sam was two days off from an interview with his dream job. He had the schooling, he had his perfect fiancée, and everything was looking like a perfect apple pie life.  
That was until his little brother barge in during the middle of the night to ask for his help.

He'd barely even recognized Dean- it'd been eight years after all. The scrawny eighth grader had grown into a 6 foot something 22 year old.

Even if it was to help find John, Sam couldn't say no to his little brother. Really he just wanted to talk, to see what kind of man the kid had grown to be.

…

When Dean first saw Jessica, he was a little freaked out. After the fire, he really didn't want to admit to Sam that he'd been dreaming about his older brother's fiancée dying, weeks before it happened.  
It made Dean feel guilty, but he could help it. He didn't want to mislead his brother but if he told him, Sam would surely leave again. Dean couldn't stand being alone again.

…

Sam was horrified that Yellow Eyes had preformed some satanic ceremony on his little brother. He didn't care if it had technically made Dean part demon, but he hated that this evil was just another person who wanted to order him around. Dean didn't need that. As socially awkward as his brother already was, after their Dad's death, Dean had finally started to loosen up again.

Dean wouldn't obey a demon, especially the one who killed their parents.

Of course, Sam hadn't ever had the heart to tell Dean that John didn't share his confidence. But Sam had never obeyed their father, and wasn't about to listen when he said to kill Dean.

"You won't win."

…

"Why should I trust you? You're nothing but a black eyed demon!" Dean was tempted to shank her with her own knife but somehow he couldn't find the motivation. Not with Sam's soul where it was.

"We can bring Sam back." Ruby whispered breathlessly,

"How? I've tried! Not a single crossroads demon will even speak to me. Why are you any different?"

"Because we both have a score to settle."

…

He still wouldn't drink demon blood. He may be weak, worthless, and ruined but he wasn't that far gone.

He had to switch hotels before the body was found.

…

When Sam came back, Dean was greatful. He even tried to be pleasant to the angels.

Apparently he was an abomination.

A _ruined_ human, an abomination.

…

Sam, had always been in awe of the angels. It didn't take much for him to say yes to Michael. He said yes before he found out that Dean was supposed to be Lucifer's vessel.

…

Dean never said yes, couldn't say dead, and had absolutely no self worth left. He had convinced Cas to help him try to prevent the apocalypses foretold conclusion, but neither of them had much hope. Team Free Will as it was called also gained Gabriel, the archangel who surprisingly wasn't a trickster, Bobby, and with reluctance Dean also let Crowley, a demon, in since times were just that desperate.  
As long as he continued saying no to Lucifer, the devil wouldn't win, but Dean didn't particularly want the angel wearing his brothers skin to win paradise either.

..

Talking to Chuck was illuminating. Apparently, Dean was really the Michael Sword- not Sam. The birth order and the blood lined up, but the personality types were too dissimilar.

He couldn't believe that he, the abomination, could be anything other than Lucifer's but in some ways, he was comforted.

When Dean put that together with Crowley's ring key to the Cage, he came up with a plan. An impossible, one in a million plan.

…

It was the biggest trick in the history of tricks. No wonder why Gabriel consented to helping.

Dean said "Yes!"

Yes to the angel who thought that he was their true vessel. Michael had been informed of the truth by his brother and Lucifer had been miraculously been kept in the dark.

With a rush, both beings tried to possess Dean, too busy and confused to notice the rings that had been dropped on the cemetery ground. As the brothers fought for dominance, Dean let the loss of his balance suck him into the now swirling pit.

…

Sam stumbled to the car, stunned at the recent events. He let himself fall into the passenger seat.  
Dean.

This was Dean's car, and Dean wasn't here anymore. Dean had just saved the world and he didn't have his car anymore. Dean was his little brother, and he didn't have his little brother anymore just his car.

Sam couldn't stop the tears that streamed from his eyes. Didn't want to either. He had lost his little brother. Not Dad. It wasn't Dad's fault. Sam had messed up, and now his little brother had to pay for it.

On the dashboard, there was a small note in Dean's handwriting. Sam snatched it up, expecting to to be something like a grocery list. Instead, it read thus-  
_"Sam,_  
_Was that enough rebellion for you? I wish that I could have been a better brother. I'm sorry for everything._  
_-Dean Winchester"_


	2. Hero

Sam had never wanted to be a hunter. Admittedly, when he was really young, he did find the concept interesting. What little boy doesn't want to hunt down the big bad monster that killed his mother? Vengeance may have been a foreign concept to his young mind, but Saturday morning cartoons hammered in the importance of justice. For a while, his father was a superhero.

But Sam was never one to easily fall too hero worship. He was a stubborn soul who wanted the best for himself, as well as intelligent enough to ask questions. It didn't take him long to realize that hunting really meant his daddy getting drunk and leaving him in worrying hotel rooms for days. It meant moving all the time. It meant never having a home.

It meant that he had to watch Dean.

As a rule of children, younger siblings are annoying. It doesn't matter how much you loved them, or that they were actually your best friend in the whole wide world. You said they were annoying because everyone else did.

It was easy to start believing words so carelessly thrown around. And Dean was annoying. He started off silent after the fire- which was irritating because he lost all entertainment value to a traumatized four year old. Later he learned to speak, English even instead of baby talk, and play and everything and they got along much better then. Then he started wandering everywhere and getting into dangerous situations. Sam learned very quickly how to watch the quick, scampering toddler. School started then for him so Sam finally got breaks from babysitting- Dad would even tell him to watch Dean when they were at Pastor Jim's!- and Sam found the joys of kids his own age.

The joys of disobedience.

The joys of complaining about an annoying little sibling.

The joys of encouragement for his work.

Normalcy.

And Sam loved it. Every day he found his home life just a little bit more unbearable, school just a little more magical.

It was so easy to paint his grieving, mostly absent father as a villain. So easy to blame everything on hunting.

In second grade, when all the kids were trying to be more grown up then they actually were- the age of Barbie burning and peeking in to watch scary movies- a group had started talking about how annoying the victim of a superhero movie was.

Sam loved Dean with all his heart. They spent so much time together and Dean himself was so devoted to him that it would be impossible not to. Sam always had a sympathetic ear for his little brother.

Dean was clearly the victim of the situation.

And what little boy doesn't see himself as the hero?

What followed next for the rest of his life was not as simple as Saturday morning cartoons.

Sam was hardly the same naive little boy now. He was thirty and his brother was dead. His brother was dead and he was hunting. Normality couldn't suit him anymore. It was too late and he had learned the concept of vengeance too well.

He had become his father.

Except there was no end goal. Dean had sacrificed himself. Lucifer and Michael were gone.

There was no Yellow Eyes to spend twenty years chasing after.

So Sam ended up wandering. Met some relatives who also hunted. Helped out on a few cases. His grandfather had mysteriously come back to life- which was decidedly odd but Sam wasn't going to press it. The family was apparently investigating but they hadn't come up with anything. Sam was pretty sure that Samuel knew exactly why he was back but he wasn't particularly interested in forcing the answer out. Angels or Demons. Neither was good, and neither could save his brother from eternal torment locked up with the devil himself.

The Campbells were pleasant but somewhat shady as well. Sam drew the line closer than they did and held his ground. Years of riding around on his stubborn high horse morals came in handy and if the Campbells continued to make strange or disturbing calls, they didn't let him know. They kept him away from the ethically ambiguous stuff and Sam selectively ignored the going-ons because he didn't have anywhere else to go.

How could he dare face Bobby when his own stupidity and desire to believe in the goodness of angels got his little brother killed?

…

It was on a djinn case when Sam found Dean. Not dead Dean. A smiling, happy go lucky Dean who surprisingly hadn't been hunting. Or looking for him.

No. Somehow his little brother was alive and intentionally didn't contact him.

The excuses were pretty lame as well. Barhopping? Seriously, Dean? Not wanting to interrupt his older brother's life again? It wasn't like Bobby could get a hold of him anyway?

He'd even been living with Lisa and her son Ben for a few weeks.

Dean quite amiably agreed to resume hunting with Sam, seemingly happy to continue the family business and get his beloved car back. He was all charm, all smirk. All stupidly bad Dean jokes.

…

A vampire lunged at Dean, grabbing him, obviously not planning on letting the human go.

Sam ran forward and saved him just in time.

…

Something was terribly wrong with Dean. It was terrible to say it, but his brother was too cheerful. Sam didn't exactly miss all of the angst but it was at least genuine.

This was Dean's mask to everyone who wasn't him. Sam didn't like it suddenly used on him. He knew that it couldn't all be real. Dean didn't work like that. He just didn't.

Dean had also started deviating from Sam's orders. Sure, they usually shared leadership- Dean had more experience and Sam was the 'smarter' older one. (Sam often had doubt that he was really the more intelligent one of the two. Dean was excellent at mechanical engineering and strategy after all.) But childhood had instilled a soldier's obedience into Dean. If Sam gave an order, Dean would usually follow his lead. Arguments happened of course, Sam hadn't had complete control over Dean since he walked out on him, but this was different.

Dean would say "yes, of course Sammy!" and do something else.

Eventually, everything added up and Sam's gratefulness at having his baby brother back wasn't enough to cloud the fact that this wasn't Dean.

…

Dean returned to Earth completely nonplussed. The fairies weren't pleasant but eh. He'd live. Sam's worry even almost entertained him. His brother had gone completely berserk trying to find him. Heh.

They had been on the phone with Dean checking out a corn field for any sign of UFOs. Sam had thought that would be a safe enough assignment for his soulless little brother, it wasn't like it was around people or anything. Dean hadn't argued because he hadn't cared.

What was there to care about without proper feelings?

Oh, Dean knew the proper him would have been ticked at the 'safe' assignment. But the proper him was a different man entirely. With a soul, Dean was ruled by emotion. Without one… well he tried his best to act life his old self. But he didn't understand his old restriction, his old pains and limits. What were the use of morals again?

So he lived for amusement.

He appeared as the Dean that his soul had created as a front for the world- A smart mouthed joker who didn't take anyone seriously because he knew he was tougher than anything that would dare oppose him. Where genuine humor used to guide his references, cold intelligence searched for whatever would create the biggest reactions.

Killing things was fine too. He'd have to be more creative to make it interesting though. But Sam didn't like when he did that.

Sam really hadn't liked when Dean had calmly informed him that he'd found the UFO and it was coming towards him. Laughing when the bullets ricocheted off of the clichéd starship was probably a no no as well.

Whatever.

…

"So you got abducted by aliens!?" a girl gasped,

"Yep." Dean replied, popping his 'p'.

"I'm so sorry. It must have been horrible!"

"Don't worry. I'm over it."

"It must have happened a long time ago then…"

"Give or take twenty minutes."

…

Death approached one of his favorite mortals, carrying his soul in his suitcase. Dean was less than enthusiastic about receiving his soul back. Apparently dying or complete insanity didn't strike him as favorable.

Death would do his best about putting walls up against his memories. He couldn't get food recommendations from a broken man.

…

Sam was worried about his little brother. Both he and Bobby had forbid Dean from scratching down the wall. Dean had angrily promised but he wasn't happy about it all.

He was ecstatic that the world hadn't ended and everyone was alive but he hated being coddled. Especially by the brother who he had just had to 'die' for because of his rashness. Dean pretended he didn't care. Sam being free was all he'd wanted. But now he had to face the brother who had once again chose to leave him- to become an angelic meat suit who sought to end the world. It kind of hurt.

It really hurt.

Dean didn't know if he could trust his brother ever again.

He knew Sam probably knew what he was talking about when he said to not to try to remember a thing from the near year that he had wandered around soulless. Sam always looked out for his physical heath at least.

He talked to Cas a little. Found out about the war in Heaven and Crowley's promotion. Gabriel was in India or something, avoiding it all and spending some time with Kali.

Found out about the craziness to do with Eve. He threw himself into the hunt, even deeper than old times. Borderline obsession.

Dean was always trying to ignore that his mind and soul were so ruined that he couldn't risk remembering without breaking.

…

In the end, he remembered it all for nothing. Lisa and Ben brought back fragments, they were so important to him that when he saved them from Crowley's tricks, it actually broke his hold on reality for a moment. And then completely. He had bowled down the wall trying in vain to find what had happened between them, if there was a way he could save them, if he had taught Lisa or Ben anything that could possibly protect them.

Protectiveness, was a core trait of his and he didn't hesitate when a family that very well could have been his was on the line.

Crowley was glad his distraction had worked even better than expected. Cas was downright murderous, but was talked out of throttling Crowley- for now- because the silver-tongued king convinced him that with Purgatory they would have the power to save Dean, who was currently in a coma fighting battles that he wasn't sure he even wanted to win.

…

Sam couldn't believe Cas's betrayal. Neither could Dean. His little brother had somehow followed him and Bobby on a last ditch attempt to stop Cas from opening Purgatory. Dean stumbled around- sometimes with a hard, murderous expression while other times he would freeze and his eyes would wander.

He really hoped that didn't mean that Dean was hallucinating. But Sam knew he must have been. He was getting worse every time Sam looked at him.

Cas's betrayal sent him on a worse spiral.

"This isn't real." Dean argued, "I must still be in the Pit. You couldn't have gone Dark Side. This is just a new trick. It has to be. The real Cas would never betray me like this!"

"Dean, I'm sorry but it's true." Cas's eyes were big and apologetic but his face was still and grave, "I need the souls to reunite Heaven. Raphael is trying to restart the Apocalypse. I can't let that happen."

"You made a deal with the devil Cas. Why didn't you tell us? We could have tried to help. But no- you went to Crowley."

Cas had so many things he wanted to say, explanations and excuses, but Dean suddenly fell to the ground- lost in his own torment again, no doubt a kinder world for him since betrayal and abandonment were Dean's worst fears.

That sealed it. He had to do it.

He had to save Heaven and he had to save Dean.

That meant he was going to open Purgatory and no one could stop him.

…

Dean got better and worse. Cas had tried to heal him but it hadn't worked very well. He didn't have enough control and it was while fighting against the Leviathan inside him.

Cas was gone. Dean refused to mention him, or even deal with the trenchcoat that was still in the back of the Impala. He had enough to deal with with Lucifer commenting on his life and trying to convince him of its fakeness.

Dean had grown quieter, making it difficult for Sam to monitor his state. He was never sure is loud or quite was good when it came to the hallucinations. On one hand, when Dean was loud, he argued with them. On the other, silence didn't let Dean acknowledge Hallucifer.

Life was even harder with the Leviathan.

…

Dean and Kevin got on surprisingly well. You'd think that Kevin would look up to Sam- the fullride Stanford lawyer who'd never actually practiced his art.

Instead, Dean treated Kevin similar to a younger brother. Kind of like he had for the ghoul of Adam. Sam's brother always connected better with kids.

Dean didn't go easy on the honor student but he was never harsh either. He was protective. He made an effort not to scare the kid.

Sam almost had to wonder how differently life would have been if Dean had been an older brother. An official one- not only technically like with Adam.

He wondered if Dean would still be a victim or finally claim his rightful title of hero in that universe. Because even though Sam still saw him as the same little kid who would rather take apart the hotel alarm clock instead of do write his English essay, the little boy who was always torn in two directions, the young soldier who was fighting a hopeless war- Sam also felt that Dean was better than he was. More heart, more passion.

He had a real drive to help people.

Sam just wished that Dean could get past his crippling self esteem issues.

…

When Dean got out of Purgatory, he didn't immediately go find Sam. He didn't stick around Benny either. Instead, he just hunted by himself for a while. Just to clear his head.

No orders had come in Purgatory. He had become the leader of the group, somehow. For once. He kind of liked it.

The power had been freeing.

He had always been under orders, in a way. Even when Sam had died, and Dean couldn't properly function, he still tried to go from where he'd left off. Even with it being a partnership, it was never completely equal. Dean needed Sam in a way that Sam didn't need him. Since childhood, he'd been all too aware of his fear of ending up alone.

Now he was alone and it wasn't bad.

The simplicity of Purgatory didn't quite carry over to Earth but Dean still admired the no nonsense philosophy- Stay alive. Whatever you needed to do, do it.

It was strangely peaceful.

…

Sam couldn't believe it when he found his brother was still alive and hanging with a vampire. He suddenly felt betrayed, jealous- disgusted.

Funny how he'd always had wished Dean was less of a soldier. He was definitely a rebel now. And yet Sam wasn't exactly fond of it for some reason.

…

"Dean- I can't lose you."

"What?"

"I can't lose you. I don't care if it means we can't close the gates. If it's a choice between you or the world I will always choose you. Always."

Dean couldn't believe it. Why would Sam…? Sam had always walked away, left him. Dean hadn't even been obeying him recently. What purpose would his life give to Sam?

"I'm not worth it." Dean reminded his brother. He had demon blood, he wasn't normal, he'd always been 'ruined' to Sam.

"Yes, you are." Sam pleaded, "This is not worth your death."

"I'll be saving thousands of people." Dean argued, "It's better me than one of them."

"Don't you understand I'm your big brother?!" Sam snapped, "It is my job to protect you, it's always been my job. From the days when you wouldn't even cry till after the day we die. I cannot let you just sacrifice yourself for thinking that you are nothing because you are so much more than that. Just let it go. Stop all of this!"

Dean froze, shocked Sam was putting up all this effort. Yeah, he knew that Sam didn't want him dead (past deals and other previous events had proven this time and time again) but… He really wasn't good with the mushy stuff.

"Is that an order?" Dean asked,

Sam looked at him with disbelief, "You are not going to die here."

Dean made the decision.


End file.
